Until the candle burns down: How the Roma and their dead say goodbye

Keeping vigil in Romani culture

Saying “goodbye” is not part of Roma culture. The Romani just up and leave, without prolonged farewells or a song and dance about just why they’re leaving. This is the case both in everyday life, gatherings, big celebrations, and when you run into someone you haven’t seen in years.

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The Romani don't do goodbyes

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The reason for this is simple: Why say goodbye when you’ll cross paths again? The invisible thread connecting the Roma is so strong that they never feel like they are separated, even if they don’t see or hear from each other for years.

They knew as they parted they would meet again, for in Romanes it was said that “mountains do not meet but men do.”

-Jan Yoors, “The Gypsies”

There is only one “goodbye” for the Romani. The one when you know that, in this world, you will never cross paths with this person ever again.

The first 24 hours

When a Roma person passes away, the custom is for the body to stay at home for 24 hours.

A coffin is prepared but it’s not used until the funeral. Instead, the lid is placed outside, at the front door. This announces not only the death but also that the vigil is taking place.

The body is placed on the ground, opposite the front door - so that there is no obstruction for the spirit to leave. No cats or dogs are allowed, to prevent the spirit from possessing them. In Roma culture, the dead have their say in how long they’ll stay to say goodbye but their way to the other world has to be clear.

During those first 24 hours, relatives gather to mourn and say their own farewell. If the person was a smoker, a plate is placed next to their head, so that you can share a smoke with them. You light one cigarette for yourself, and one for them and you place it on the plate. If you owed them money, you slip a coin in their pocket and whisper in their ear, “My debt to you is paid.” If you had anything to confess, to share, to ask - you tell them.

At sunset, the body is covered with a blanket after a cloth is tied under the jaw and around the head to prevent the deadman from smiling and taking somebody with them.

After these 24 hours pass, the funeral takes place.

But this is not the final goodbye.

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Mourning together

Does the soul immediately vanish after death? Many cultures in the world don’t think it does. In Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Romani, as well as many pagan traditions, it is believed that after death, the soul wanders the Earth for 40 days.

Within this 40-day window, the Roma hold daily vigils for several consecutive days. The number of days is chosen by the immediate family and the only rule is that it is an odd number: most commonly 5, 7, or 9 days.

An elderly man from our tribe passed away recently. “His wife will mourn for 7 days,” Pepi said. In this case “mourn” doesn’t refer to her internal feelings of grief. It refers to the custom of mourning shared with the entire tribe. When people in the tribe say, “She will mourn for 7 days,” this is an invitation to the vigil.

The surviving next of kin, in this case the wife, announces the number of days to several people and knows that the entire tribe will know through word of mouth.

Every one of these 7 days, at 6:00 PM she will light a candle. She will have food and coffee prepared. Relatives from the tribe will arrive and stay. Until the candle burns down.

“People cry, share stories and memories, play cards,” Pepi says in an attempt to describe the indescribable togetherness of people gathering to mourn someone they loved.

The Roma believe that the person who died is there with them during these vigils. It is him or her who decides how long the candle burns.

“Sometimes it burns down within an hour. Other times, it burns for the entire night,” Pepi says. “If a very beloved person visits one of the vigils, the candle will burn slower because the deceased wants them to stay longer.”