Untethered Together: The unofficial and unscripted nature of Romani marriages
On lasting love beyond vows and signatures
Disclaimer: This article talks about marrying for love, which is the custom across the vast majority of Roma tribes - including the one Pepi is from. Some Roma tribes have different traditions, such as arranged marriages. We will talk about them in future articles. Stay tuned.
“Locking it down.” Such a befitting expression in the English language to describe our collective understanding of marriage and commitment.
It evokes an image of wrestling someone down to the ground and then putting them in chains. And now, they cannot move. They cannot leave. They are yours forever.
“Locking it down” is meant to provide security. You sign a contract, you merge your life and assets, and now your relationship is “official” in the eyes of the government (or God) and you vow that you will not leave. You go in with the intention of a lifetime commitment, and you take every step and every precaution that this commitment will, indeed, last a lifetime. You lock it down.
But, as the Romani will tell you, locks on human souls are feeble.
“How Many Marriages End in Divorce?
So, what about the famous statistic that half of all marriages end in divorce? That’s true, but only when it comes to first marriages, half of which are dissolved. Second and third marriages actually fail at a far higher rate.”
[FULL FORBES ARTICLE HERE]
The Romani don’t go the “official” route
Roma weddings don’t have an officiant. There are no signatures, no point in the wedding when anyone announces that the couple is now officially married, and there is no person representing a higher authority, be it the government or God.
The purpose of a wedding ceremony, in Roma culture, is not to lock anyone down. It’s to announce the new relationship to the community. The marriage is made official by virtue of it being witnessed by the tribe, the earth, and the sky.
It’s being lavishly celebrated, following rich and specific customs. The tribe bestows the couple with blessings, gifts, and money. And while there is hope that the new family will last, there is no expectation or obligation.
Why is this the case in a culture that considers the family unit its biggest treasure? A culture that has survived for a thousand years by always upholding the tribe and the family above everything else?
We have talked at length about how the Romani don’t form attachments to the material world. They don’t think twice about pawning their valuables or swapping clothes just as they can even let go of a home they love dearly. In all of these stories, we have underlined the one thing that represents wealth to the Romani, the one thing they value above all the gold, riches, and security in the world. The family.
So why are they not putting all possible measures in place to preserve the family? Why are they not “locking it down?” Why are they making it so easy to walk away from?
One part of the answer is simple. The Romani view contracts, signatures, and what mainstream society considers “official” as theatrics. They don’t believe that by signing a piece of paper they can make a person stay with them. And, considering divorce statistics, they are correct.
But this is only one part of the answer.
“How can I make you stay with me?”
Isn’t this question at the core of so many conscious and unconscious behaviour we have about relationships?
Most people crave security. Many people have abandonment wounds and fears of loneliness. And all of us, when we find true love and happiness, want it to last forever.
Do the Romani share these fears and desires? Yes, they absolutely do. Intenesely so. They don’t enter a marriage with the intention to leave it. When a relationship falls apart, the heartbreak is devastating and sometimes even debilitating.
So where lies the difference between mainstream culture and Roma culture?
“You can never own another person,” says Pepi. “I can love you, I can live with you, I can have children with you, I can take care of you and share the good and bad with you, but I can never own you.”
At the very core of the Roma value system, there is acceptance.
The Romani accept the ever-changing flow of life, the wins and the losses, the good and the bad. This is the foundation, from which every other aspect of Roma culture branches out. The Romani accept life as it is. They engage it with unparalleled vibrancy and creativity. But they never try to bend it to their will.
Contary to most prevalent value systems, this shows a deep reverence to the concept of love and matrimony. It also shows a more authentic type of love and commitment to the person you choose as your partner.
“What is the guarantee for commitment in Roma culture?” Martina asked. “How do you know that your partner is here to stay? How do you derive this inner sense of security?”
“There is no guarantee other than being secure in the here and now,” Pepi answered. “I am here, now. I show up, now.”
Roma couples still work hard on building a life together. They still plan and dream ahead. It’s just never with a sense of “must” and always with the wisdom, inherent to Roma culture, that paths and journeys can change.
Believing that your partner has the right and opportunity to walk away any moment - as do you - paints the entire dynamic of a relationship. You don’t take each other for granted. You both put in effort to make the other feel happy - not locked up, but happy. You know, deep down, that you choose each other, every day.
Being “an item” and showing love
Due to the foundation of Roma relationships being so different to most other cultures, displays of love seem flipped in a mirror-like way.
Roma couples, unless they are in the very beginning, butterflies-in-the-stomach, stage of a relationship, rarely hold hands. When we walk in our almost-all-white neighborhood and see a couple holding hands, Pepi usually comments: “It’s like if they let go, one of them will run away.” For the Romani, hand-holding is a sign of insecurity.
By contrast, Roma couples walk as if there is an invisible thread connecting one to the other. Usually, you can spot right away that two Roma people are together even if they are not holding hands, not sitting next to each other, not even talking to each other. It’s in the energy they exude and in the wordless communication. Glances, nods, pouring a glass of water for the other, passing them a plate of food.
What Roma couples do that mainstream society considers a sign of insecurity is the frequent, near-constant, celebration of the relationship on social media.
It is a widely-accepted belief, backed by research and studies, that frequently publishing pictures with your partner on social media means that you are over-compensating instability and unhappiness behind the curtains. For the Romani, the exact opposite holds true. Since the foundation of the relationship is one of choice and not one of obligation or fear, there is a constant undercurrent of joy and vitality - even in the small, mundane, everyday life. One way they express this is with tiny spontaneous acts of celebration in social media.
To outsiders, this can look excessive and juvenile at best. At worst, it is seen as a sign that the relationship is, in fact, weak.
The Romani, however, do not care how they are perceived and never pretend on social media that something is true when it isn’t. More importantly, they do not see relationship troubles as something shameful that needs to be masked. When relationships end or stumble, the Romani are just as quick to post solo pictures on social media, update their profiles, and even erase pictures they had with their partner. This is not done flippantly. It is part of the grieving process. Of letting go. Of accepting.
When a Roma marriage ends
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