"Let me tell you something" or how Romani tribes nurture individuality

On the individual sparks in the collective flame

Pepi and his sister Todorka sharing a drink at a birthday celebration with our tribe | Picture by Martina Petkova

“Let me tell you something” is an opening line that will make the usually-loud people in our Roma tribe grow quiet, look you in the eye, and lean in closer.

The unspoken part of this line is “I’m about to say something that is important to me.” Or, as Pepi once said to Martina, “Let me tell you something, from the soul.”

It can be anything. “I had a fight with my husband.” “I miss my father.” “I have been feeling unappreciated.” “I have been very happy at home with my wife and kids.” “I’m hoping to start a new job and buy a car in the summer.” “Last month, I had a very difficult moment, here’s what happened…”

It can be big or small, happy or sad - those qualifiers don’t matter. The only thing that matters is that you want to share it. So, it will be heard with an open heart, and usually with someone’s arm placed over your shoulder with love and a tinge of protectiveness.

In modern times, the word “tribe” doesn’t necessarily carry positive connotations. People see tribes as a conservative, restrictive force that the individual is in a natural conflict with. “Tribal thinking” and “tribalism” usually mean blind adherence to outdated tradition and hostility to the new and foreign. The tribe is a small box. The “real world” is outside of it. And the individual will always be disregarded inside the tribe because the tribe always comes first.

Is this take accurate? Is there really such a natural conflict between the individual and the tribe? Does it depend on the tribe?

Our answer comes through the Roma lens. The Romani, who despite thousands of years of assimilation and eradication attempts, have preserved their indigenous tribal culture. The Romani, who hold the tribe and family as the highest value in life. The Romani, who if you say “Let me tell you something,” will stop what they’re doing, turn down the music, put down the phone, inch closer, sit next to you, put an arm over your shoulder, and listen as if what you’re about to say is the most important thing in the world. Because, in that moment, it is.