How do the Roma afford lavish celebrations despite living in extreme poverty?
Perhaps the biggest point of contempt from outsiders when it comes to Romani culture is the unapologetic joy. What mainstream society likes to hide and downplay, the Roma put on display.
Love?
While we post vague pictures of silhouettes and anonymous intertwined hands to “soft launch” a relationship on Social Media, the Roma rush to change their profile picture with a photo with their partner, their handle (from “Mary” to “Mary and Tony Forever”) and announce to the entire world that they are in love. While mainstream married couples like to “banter” and “downplay” their feelings for each other, and “gently tease” each other when out with friends, the Romani treat their partners like royalty. They rush to fill their cup, to put a jacket or blanket on them if it’s cold, to remind them to eat, and if they talk about their partner to others, it’s never in a “gently teasing” way. It’s in a “singing praises” way.
Money?
In mainstream culture, it’s considered “poor taste” to discuss money. There’s an entire industry in mental health coaching about changing our beliefs about money and disentangling the concept of money from feelings of shame. The Romafeel no shame about money whether they have it or not. If they have it, they’ll let you know - which mainstream culture will see as “flaunting.” And if they don’t have it, they’ll let you know too.
But the most unforgivable offense that the Roma inflict on mainstream culture is the glamorous, loud, impossible-to-ignore celebrations.
Princess gowns, jewelry, professional hair and makeup, expensive restaurants, limos - all of it accompanied by a Romani orchestra beating the drums so loudly that you can’t even hear the traffic from the nearby boulevard.
And then they have the gall to claim they live in poverty?
They must either be lying or be the reason for their poverty - if they’re spending all this money on such nonsense.
Right?
Let’s explore why and how the Roma throw glamorous parties when they have no money while the middle-class us budget every coin and deify minimalism.
Yes, they do live in poverty
To offset the most common question, nobody is lying about their poverty. Like we said, if the Roma have money, they don’t hide it. If they have a lot of money, they don’t save it in banks or under the mattress - they buy gold which they can easily pawn when they need the cash down the road. The golden rings, bracelets, neck chains all go on the fingers, wrists, and necks of their owners.
In our tribe, it is common to see women who work in street cleaning for minimum wage to be sweeping the streets wearing gold - one with golden earrings, another with a golden ring. They live in a crisis center or social housing, have no running water, no bed to sleep on, and no fridge. After work, they will go home, and if they or their husbands don’t bring in some money (most commonly by selling materials gathered from trash to scrap shops), then they will either go to bed hungry or pawn their gold to buy food.
Now that we’ve clarified this, let’s answer the big question. If they don’t have money, how do they pay for celebrations that are worth thousands and thousands?
The wealth is the tribe
Last year, Pepi’s sister Nana was about to turn 50. She called us a few weeks before her birthday and said she’ll celebrate it “properly”. This means, in Roma culture, an orchestra to herald the celebration, then a big party at a restaurant with live music. A week later, Nana asked us to borrow 200 BGN for some expenses for her birthday. And a few days before the actual birthday she called and asked us to borrow one of Martina’s golden bracelets - the only really big one.
We weren’t the only people she called. She elicited the support of many of her relatives.
On her 50th birthday celebration, Nana looked like a queen.
After the main meal in the restaurant came the key moment of every Romani celebration.
Holding a beautifully decorated box, Nana went from table to table to toast every single guest. And every one of them put money in the box.
The amount of money you put in the box is commonly understood. It should be enough to cover the food and drinks you consume at the restaurant. Nowadays, it is expected to spend 50 BGN (about 30 USD) per person. Couples either hand out 50 BGN each or one of the two people puts 100 BGN in the box. People who are very close to the person celebrating (and who can afford it) put more - it is very common for grandparents or beloved aunts or uncles to summon the singer and musicians and, to the beat of the music, to put 50 BGN after 50 BGN after 50 BGN in the box.
It’s a point of great shame to drop no money or a small amount of money in the box. So people who don’t have enough cash either borrow money from loan sharks or don’t go at all.
If you have 100 guests at the restaurant, you should end up with a minimum of 5,000 BGN at the end of the evening.
In our tribe, 100 guests is the norm.
Nana’s 50th birthday was a legendary celebration. When things started to wind down, people ate cake and started leaving, Nana and the restaurant owner sat down at one of the now-empty tables. Most of her 5,000+ BGN went to pay her bill to him.
Then, she paid back our 200 BGN, and a few more hundred here and there to other relatives. She took off the bracelet and gave it to Martina.
Nana left the restaurant with about 40 BGN, which she used to pay for a few taxis to take her and the remaining relatives back to her two-room social housing home so they could continue celebrating.
When you draw the line, several thousand BGN circulated in the air so that the entire tribe can celebrate Nana’s 50th birthday. She brought home no gifts and nobody grew richer or poorer. People spent 50 BGN each and danced their hearts out.
Joy in being - not in having
The entire point of a Romani celebration is to honor someone. A new couple if it’s a wedding, a newborn, or the person having a birthday.
The Roma know it’s a big expense to throw a celebration. They also know the entire tribe will help cover it. Nana was a Queen on her birthday not because of the dress, hair, and jewelry but because of the one hundred people who celebrated her and loved her.
Then why bother with the gold and glamor? To outsiders, it might seem that it’s all for show. But where most people would say “If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing poorly,” the Romani say “If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing properly.”
In other words, you either do it or you don’t do it. And if you do it, you really do it.
Nana didn’t ask for the bracelet as a gift. She thought it was beautiful but didn’t want to keep it. She wanted it on her wrist for the celebration, the dancing, the toasting, and then she took it off.
In fact, the bracelet itself became more special and beautiful by briefly adorning Nana’s wrist on her 50th birthday.
So if you find the perfect Boho lamp, or pillow, or earrings - how can you be certain they are authentically “Bohemian”?
Here is how you check. Buy the lamp or the earrings. Fall in love with them. Revel in how joyful and glorious they make your heart feel. And then give them up and never see them again.
Now, you are Bohemian. Even more than the French.
The reason all this “glamor” messes with the heads of outsiders is because of the gigantic difference in how material things are perceived in mainstream culture versus Roma culture.
In mainstream culture, you just have to grab. You have to own. To cling and cling.
Money is to be invested and budgeted not “wasted” on celebrations.
For the Roma, material things (including money) never outgrow their usefulness. A pile of cash or a golden bracelet can never be a God. This freedom from attachment allows the Roma to enjoy things as they are - but to their full extent. If they decide to celebrate, they don’t celebrate “just a little.” They celebrate to the max.
And when they celebrate, they don’t care about gifts. They care about their relatives being there with them. And they care about joy. In a life full of adversity and struggle for survival, the Roma practice a very deep kind of wisdom. Poverty doesn’t make them shrink like outsiders expect and even demand. It makes them grab onto moments of joy and beat the drums so loud that the sky can hear.
In the end, piles of cash swirl around for this wedding, that birthday, and on and on. To outsiders, the Roma do nothing but celebrate with money they don’t have.
Behind the curtains, the entire tribe foots the bill, gowns get swapped between cousins and sisters, cash is borrowed and later paid back, jewelry is borrowed and later returned.
Why?
So someone they love dearly can be celebrated as the royalty that they are in everyone’s heart.
“An entire tribe loves you.” “We all love you.” “To us, you are a princess. A prince. A queen.” This is the gift that the Roma give each other with every single celebration.