Abduction, dowries, or love: On marriage in Romani culture
and the human reality behind the myth
“There are three types of marriage among the Roma,” Pepi says. “For love. Stealing the bride. And buying the bride.”
Most outsiders acknowledge, with horror, only the third type. Terms like “bride markets” and “child marriage” get thrown about a lot when the topic of Romani weddings comes up.
Stealing the bride is also a looked down upon “Romani tradition” even though this specific custom was common all throughout the Balkans (and beyond) until our most recent history.
How much is myth and how much is true?
Let’s start with the most scandalous tradition.
Buying the bride
“It should be emphasized that this is not a case of buying and selling according to the prejudices spread in Bulgarian society, but of a means of guaranteeing the stability of the marriage and the binding of the girl to the family she is going to, and ultimately also of ensuring endogamy and group stability (an ancient mechanism with roots in the Indian motherland.)”
From “The Gypsies in Bulgaria” by Elena Marushiakova and Veselin Popov
In other words, this is not a purchase but a pledge. By giving money, gold, or something else of great value to the bride’s parents, her new family make their intentions and commitment tangible. She will not be used and discarded. She will be received and taken care of.
In their book, Marushiakova and Popov continue to explain that even in this case of so-called “arranged marriages”, in reality, both the bride and groom are consenting. In most cases, they have already decided to be together and this is when their parents put the wheels in motion about the arrangements.
So far, it doesn’t sound so bad, or at least not so outlandish compared to many other cultures that do - or have, until recently, done - the exact same thing.
Of course, not every arranged wedding is consensual and while these cases are exceptions, this doesn’t diminish the despair of a bride whose freedom and future are taken away. The song below provides a glimpse into exactly such a perspective.
Svatba | "Wedding"
And yet, this is not what critics refer to when they pass judgement on the Romani custom of “buying the bride.” They refer to the stereotype of young girls getting sold on “bride markets.”
Is there any truth here?
“It’s all about the money,” Pepi says. “Securing the money and passing it down to the next generation.”
What we haven’t found written and published in print but is commonly known among the Roma here in Bulgaria, is that arranged marriages between very young children do happen within the subgroup Kardaraši.
The Kardaraši are known to be the wealthiest Romani group. They are also the group with the most recent connection to a Nomadic lifestyle, having been forced to settle less than a century ago. In the past, there used to be annual gatherings between tribes of Nomadic Roma where decisions were being made about trade, travel routes for the upcoming year, and marriages. Marriage was one of the several tools for survival and preservation.
The remnants of this life are still alive today among the Kardaraši. Marriage is still, first and foremost, a tool for survival and preservation.
“It is common for two young children to be promised for each other,” Pepi explains about the Kardaraši. “The actual wedding takes place when they come of age but it is decided when they are very little. The groom’s family takes on the role of a second set of parents. They make sure the girl is taken care of, has clothes, toys, jewelry. She becomes a daughter to them.”
The purpose of this custom is to preserve the wealth and endogamy. A suitable bride will, they hope and expect, give birth to children who will then inherit everything.
“What happens to the woman if she falls madly in love with someone else?” Martina asked.
“After she gives birth to a son,” Pepi said, “she can run off with whoever she wants.”
The Kardaraši are often described as barikané by other Roma, which can be best translated as “acting superior”, “elitist”. They are a distinctly separate group from the majority of the Roma and (are perceived to) live in a different reality: one of material stability.
The vast Romani population, by contrast, lives in poverty. And doesn’t care about money or gold when the time for marriage comes.
Stealing the bride
Martina was talking once with a friend from Egypt. He was in his early 20s and had moved to Bulgaria to study. “I was so in love with this girl,” he lamented. “But I didn’t have the money for the bride-dowry.” This had become a big problem for young men in the last few years, he explained. The financial pressure was big, earning opportunities were little, and so - they couldn’t get married.
So what does a couple in love do if they are part of a culture that uses dowries to legitimize a marriage - but they don’t have money?
We can tell you what the poverty-stricken Roma do.
“The “theft” of the bride, most likely having emerged in the conditions of urban ghettos as a way to escape the borders of the group and to avoid paying a dowry, has in fact turned into the norm and, practically, at least in the majority of cases, it is staged. The circumstance that the girl has been “stolen” doesn’t mean that the wedding is taking place against her will (even though her unwillingness has to be expressed so that it can be considered “theft”.)
From “The Gypsies in Bulgaria” by Elena Marushiakova and Veselin Popov
If the bride is stolen, she remains “innocent”. The responsibility remains on the shoulders of the man and his family. This is why a “theft” or, more accurately, “abduction” must be enacted.
Once the bride-to-be is stolen, her parents, siblings, aunts and uncles, come to the house of the man and his family. To discuss. Because even in the case of a kidnapping, real or not, a wedding will not take place without both families talking it over.
“If there is a real kidnapping,” Martina asked, “what happens? Do the parents and wider family go and take the woman back by force?”
“They go, yes, but they are always greeted with open arms, food and drinks on the table. They are welcomed as family.” Pepi said. “And then, they talk. Physical fights are very rare.”
These cases are exceptions and happen in rural areas. Even then, the boy and girl usually know each other. A real kidnapping is usually when the boy or a relative of his (a brother, a cousin,) tricks the girl into coming with them somewhere to run an errand or some other excuse. But instead, they take her to their home. Now, she’s “stolen.” Soon, word reaches her family and they arrive en masse to discuss.
In the book “The Romani everyday life in Bulgaria” by Alexey Pamporov, Martina read a horrifying story told by a Romani woman. She was abducted by an acquaintance and beaten all night until she surrendered. This was the man she ended up sharing a life with.
“Such a thing can only happen to a Roma woman,” Pepi said, “if she doesn’t have a strong family behind her.”
She had weak support and protection, in other words. No large clan to come to her rescue, so she was targeted by a violent man. In an average, typical case of such an aggressive abduction, the woman’s family will show up but not in the mood to discuss.
As a whole, these cases are exceptions and seen as unfortunate and undesirable by the vast majority of Romani people.
The much more common scenario is for a couple to fall in love and stage a kidnapping as a way to force both sets of parents to legitimize their union.
Marrying for love
Pepi’s clan is one of the many Romani tribes that do not do dowries or abductions. They proudly marry for love.
But once you remove the layer of money and theatrics, you see that one thing remains the same across all Roma. A value that is fundamental to Romani culture.
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